Using Informal Rating Scales to Improve Conversations with Your Child

As a parent, you might ask your child the familiar question: "How was school?" or "How was your day?" These questions are intended to show your care and interest in your child's day. However, for some children—especially for some neurodivergent children—these open-ended questions can be frustrating, anxiety-inducing, or even impossible to answer. Many children have difficulty expressing their emotions or finding the words to explain their feelings, which makes open-ended conversations challenging.

If you’re struggling to connect with your child or get meaningful answers to your questions, you're not alone. Fortunately, there are strategies you can use to improve conversations with your child or teen and create a more effective communication environment.

Why Open-Ended Questions Can Be Challenging for Some Kids

For children some children, open-ended questions like “How was your day?” can be overwhelming. These abstract questions may trigger anxiety and confusion, especially if your child has trouble identifying or articulating their emotions. It’s not uncommon for some children to respond with vague answers like “OK” or “Nothing,” or they may avoid answering altogether. This can leave parents feeling disconnected or unsure about how their child is truly feeling.

These communication challenges are often magnified for parents who don’t have these difficulties themselves. What seems like a simple and caring question for a parent may feel difficult or even threatening to a child who might lack the emotional vocabulary to express themselves in a meaningful way. As a result, conversations might require a different approach to foster open dialogue.

A Simple Strategy: Using a Rating Scale to Improve Communication

When traditional open-ended questions don’t seem to work, a more structured approach can be helpful. One effective strategy is to use an informal rating scale to help your child express their emotions or experiences. The key is to keep the scale simple, clear, and visual.

For example, you can ask your child:

“On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst day you could imagine (give an example of that type of day), and 10 being the best day you could imagine (give an example of that type of day), how would you rate your day?”

Creating a visual scale—such as a numbered chart on paper or a whiteboard—can make this strategy even more effective. This allows your child to point to a number that represents their emotional state, which reduces the pressure of having to explain their feelings with words.

In my clinical practice, I’ve found that many children who initially respond with “Nothing” or “I’m fine” to broad questions like “How are you?” are often able to open up when using a rating scale. For example, a child who might normally say “Nothing” might now express that their day was a “3” on the scale. This simple rating can spark a productive conversation and give you insight into how to help them solve any problems.

Benefits of Using a Rating Scale with Your Child

Rating scales can be useful for more than just checking in on how your child feels at the end of the day. They can also be applied to assess worries, sadness, stress, or specific situations that might be bothering your child. Rather than diving into abstract concepts, a rating scale provides a clear, measurable way for your child to communicate their emotional state.

These types of check-ins can also help parents identify patterns over time. Is your child consistently rating their day as a “4” or “5” because they’re having trouble in school? A rating scale gives you concrete data that can help you understand your child's needs and work together to address any issues they might be facing.

Using Rating Scales to Improve Conversations with Your Child

Reflect on your own childhood—how many times did you answer the question "How are you?" with a vague or grumpy response, even though you may have been dealing with issues that could have been resolved with some help? The power of using a simple tool like an informal rating scale lies in its simplicity and ability to open the door for more meaningful conversations with your child. It allows you to bypass the barriers that make abstract communication difficult and instead focuses on concrete, actionable responses that can lead to problem-solving.

Using a rating scale can be a valuable tool for learning more about your child’s day-to-day experiences, offering insights into their emotional state, and finding ways to make their life a little easier. This approach is especially helpful for some neurodivergent children, who may struggle with open-ended questions but thrive in a structured, visual communication environment.

Conclusion: Foster Better Communication with Your Child

Conversations with your child who tends to avoid sharing details don’t have to be frustrating. By using simple, structured tools like an informal rating scale, you can create a communication system that works for both you and your child. A rating scale helps provide clarity, reduce anxiety, and open the door for productive conversations that might otherwise be difficult to initiate. Remember, the goal is not only to understand your child’s emotions but also to build a connection and support their emotional development.

If you're looking for more tools and strategies to improve communication with your child or teen, or need additional parenting support, don’t hesitate to reach out for guidance. Contact me today at (608) 216-8145 to learn how I can help.